I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I’ve been learning to cook.
Introverted vegans go meetless
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.