*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
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I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!