4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
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Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship