COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
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Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
describing stardew valley
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I cannot call her anything else now
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.