Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Straight people are cancelled
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
the simulation is moving too fast
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.