[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
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The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Saw online –
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Accurate
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.