A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
You Might Also Like
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]