oh shit
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I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing