I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“A little help here, Danny?”
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Breaking news:
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign