Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
You Might Also Like
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Death certificates are our last participation award.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Swedish for common sense.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it