Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
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“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.