My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
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“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.