Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
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Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings