Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
me and the Superbowl rn
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.