English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
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The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
goldfish mafia
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol