Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
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[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
me when the borders lift
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago