STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom