[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
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Sharon, call the vet
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.