Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
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Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.