Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
You Might Also Like
I needed a laugh this morning.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Google assistant rules
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once