Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
why would tinder want me to say this
Peter Parker Peter Driver
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.