Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
You Might Also Like
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.