Whoa 😂
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Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: