No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
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My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭