me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Somewhere in an alternate universe
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube