Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Peace was never an option
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I don’t get marriage
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.