Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
You Might Also Like
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Hero horse inspires millions
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.