waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
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Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I am crying
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”