My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
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I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Squirrels before girls.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.