Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
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I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
choose your fighter
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.