I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Terribly Tuesday.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.