6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
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Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Nice try, poison.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are