I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!