lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
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HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith