remember
only for emergencies
You Might Also Like
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”