We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
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Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.