A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
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#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.