“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Yup
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*