her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
You Might Also Like
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.