Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My Guy
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.