Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.