*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.