shampoo implies shampee
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*serious situation*
My brain:
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him