Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
No. He’s not coming out to play
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
The news
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.