If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Thank you corporation very cool
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.