[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
respect
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
what could possibly go wrong?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
WHY would you be happy about this?
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.