my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
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It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
My whole life was a lie.
bro what is going on at twitter
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”