In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.