Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
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There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂