I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
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Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
🖤✌🏽
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.